My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
