I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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