I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
