you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
