Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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