it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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