You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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