we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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