I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
