I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
