I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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