remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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