So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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