I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
