Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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