Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Sober January is a disaster.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.