Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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