Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
