Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
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i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
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Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
i think my cat just said my name.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol