i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.