I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
