i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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