The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
