I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
