I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
