tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
