today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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