He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
