i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
