Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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