At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
