I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
