it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
