Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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