Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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