im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
