Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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