So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
