Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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