At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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