It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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