Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
