Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
