My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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