Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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