Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
