When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
