It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
