We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
