I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
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No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
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Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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