Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
