My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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