Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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