someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
