I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
