i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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