its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
